I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
