I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
