I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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