at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
someone owes me an orgasm
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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