at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
