Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize