worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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