Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
