I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this just has baby written all over it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
