Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
