just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
