she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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