Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
