dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
