Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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