ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
