Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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