look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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