so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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