That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
