Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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