WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
