no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think I won the penis lottery.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
