Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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