shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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