It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
