so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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