What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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