you traded sex for a burrito?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
