omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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