You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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