you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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