Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
