Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
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