you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
