I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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