How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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