Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
