I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
