I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
