you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
