I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
