i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
