Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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