This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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