Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
