Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize