So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
