I haven't been this sober since birth.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
