Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm too high and old for this...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
