if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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