Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
