I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
