My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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