Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She bit a glass in half.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
