she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
