Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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