Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize