A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Randomize
